Oh...my god. Cup o Noodle kicks regular Ramen’s asssssss.
I can’t afford cup of noodle, that’s some high dollar classy shit there...but my mom and grandma brought me over some shrimp and chicken boxes the other day and they are heaven in a Styrofoam cup. It’s amazing. There’s even little pea things in it...you know how long it’s been since I’ve had a pea thing?
It says instant lunch on the side but...it’s my breakfast.
I feel good...
I stayed up for 48 hours...day before yesterday...or yesterday...or...something it's kind of blurred, but it was a long damn time. All sorts of awful shit was going on and when things finally wound down I couldn’t sleep. So, I made the kids some chicken because they love chicken and I made them watch Point Break with me for “educational purposes” (yes I know...my husband didn’t get it either until I started pointing out absolute jewels in the script) and then I crashed from about 4 pm until now...which sucks because I had a lot I should have gotten done last night.
GOD I WANNA WRITE!!!! UHG! It hurts. I’m a writer....I write...this art crap pays the bills(or it pretends to from time to time) but I write damn it...and I haven’t written anything decent in months and it’s killing me. Would you believe I think part of the reason I am getting sicker is that it’s killing me??? Is that even remotely possible? I’ve started writing in my sleep...I woke up tapping on the wall-like a key board-this morning...and I’d been narrating in my sleep...It was this terribly profound scene too...something that just doesn’t happen in co-written or RPed work because when the characters are all your own their minds sort of link and they share this vibe, this energy that fills the page and makes your fingers tremble before you turn it to hurry on to the next. I miss it...I miss it terribly...I miss that mesh.
The only interaction I have with real people is in RP and my co-writing and that’s losing something lately. I think it’s the drugs I am on. I’m having trouble connecting with anything outside of my own head. That really could be it...or at least a good part of it. And then there is the infamous chapter 5...the chapter that died...or rather wouldn’t DIE. I have to wonder...If we were to fix that...fix that one massive goof...if we’d be able to move on without incident?
Fuck it...I need to write some solo Carnal Company work...because I’m not going to be happy until I do. I think Zakai is giving me a brain tumor...not really...but maybe, he is a hateful bastard. He needs to be written, Arles needs to be written, Sam needs to be written, Voodoo Colt needs to be written...and gods damn it...Alex needs love...and I am the only person who’s gonna make that happen as it should, so YES. I have to start writing. Even if it means I don’t sleep. I need to find a few hours a day to write on my own and tell everything else to go to hell...maybe then I’ll be happy and sane and even healthy again.
Can’t hurt to try huh?
Hmm...that is all...off to work I go.