Saturday, March 5, 2005

Why don’t you just give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on italready....

4PM Saturday ------

I am so freakin tired...
My body feels like it’s made of sandpaper and I keep rubbing myself the wrong way.

I have this neat little sleep disorder...used to be called a light sleeper because a pin drop can wake me up...but it’s really more than that now. I progressed to having to sleep with a fan on just to block out the noise.

The breathing.
David’s snoring.
The cat's purrs.
That freakin ringy humm from nowhere in particular.
Worst of all, that incessant chatter in my head.

I don’t hear voices. It’s not that way at’s more I see scenarios and I go over each and every thing that has me stressed a hundred times, playing out the possibilities in my head. I can actually hear myself mentally saying ‘you just figure this one thing out, find a suitable solution, and then you can crash’ but it doesn’t work that way because I have so many things going on in my head that the problems are constantly shifting back and forth and really giving me no time to think clearly on any of them.

So you get what I have going now...

Extreme exhaustion...even more extreme unquiet mind.

Hot coco doesn’t help...
Exercising doesn’t help...
Reading and tv and drawing don’t help

The low hum of the fan gets its ass kicked and muffled by the sirens going off in my head about bills and school and the website and my career and my dad and the other one, who wants to play my dad now after ten years, and money and too many dogs and the girlfriend, or rather the ex girlfriend I suppose, or maybe it’s just a hiatus, there is a shotgun by my bed and it’s always loaded and I think I could silence everything with one little click, but there are just so many people I’d like to use that on first.

So I wait, and I recycle everything back to the bills...

The dogs lying around the bed have gas bad enough to strip the paint off the walls maybe it’s oxygen deprivation and not a real desire to kill myself and take everyone within a city block with me...

But I live in the country. Nearest neighbor is a good football field away and that’s really a long way to walk for a little casual homicide...

So I just lie there with my eyes wanting to bleed and my head feeling like it’s in a race with my chest to explode before the other can collapse as the soft grating, fucking sounds of pokemon and that damned Sponge Bob show literally assault me from the living room.

Why did I give up drinking?

Abstinence sucks, trying day in and day out and getting nowhere sucks, being stabbed in the back constantly freakin sucks.

I’m sick of being frustrated.

I’m sick of being ineffective.

I’m sick of getting no respect.

I’m sick of fearing that this really is as good as it gets.

The other night I had a dream. I got out of bed (in my dream) and walked into the bathroom...only it wasn’t my bathroom, it was the bathroom I used to have when I was a kid, my parents old house. Sitting on the edge of the tub in black and leather was a man...

I honest to god think it was one of the characters from my stories...

And he’s smoking...and I just look at him thinking what the hell is this guy doing sitting on my tub, I have to take a piss, you freak.

Then he takes the cigarette from his mouth and he looks me dead in the eye and he tells me... “This is it, this is all you get. You’re never going to finish anything, you are never going to get anywhere...look around you...this IS your life.” I don’t even get to tell him to kiss my ass because the phone rings to wake me up and it’s a fucking bill collector.


osmandias said...

Have you ever thought of using ear plugs to block out the noise when you're tyring to sleep? How about making the dogs leave the bedroom so you don't have to breath in their horribly bad gas?

And your dream sounds like the classic one where you have just too much stress that it's spilling over. Is there any way to relieve the stress bit by bit?

ghostbard said...

Sounds like you're experiencing one of the many "joys" of being a responsible, bill-paying, homicidal adult! I know I have those thoughts a lot lately. "How can I pay my rent when we don't bring in enough money?" "How can I pay my bills when our first two paychecks of the month are covering the overdraft charges from our paying rent?" "How can I buy clothes/toys/food for my daughter, and how the HELL am I going to pay for the second one due in June?"

I am (as far as society is concerned) uneducated (I have no college degree), I'm unmotivated, and I spend most of my time buried to my eyebrows in depression. Believe me Nick, I understand all too well what's going on. I've even lost the ability to write, which was my one major outlet (writer's block SUCKS!).

But I've also learned something else. If I give in, it gets worse. If I focus on it, it gets worse. If I take one day at a time, it...well, it doesn't seem to get worse but it doesn't necessarily help either. I DO have one person I know I can turn to no matter what and he will at least play sympathetic ear to my problems, even if he can't do much about them. That is my husband.

I don't have a close circle of friends. Hell, you and the friends I have courtesy of Elfwood are the ONLY friends I seem to have. But you're all there if I really need to vent and there's no one else around. You're all there to catch me when I crash and you pick me up with your love and support. I hope that I can do the same, in a small degree, for you and the others who have come to mean as much (if not more) to me than the vast majority of my natural, biologic family members.

This is turning preachy...sorry! I can't help with the problems, but I can help with being an ear when you need it. You need me, let me know. Physical distance can be a pain but the internet is a very useful tool for making the boundaries seem not quite so vast.

Take care!